Thursday, December 16, 2010

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD


Today was a hard one. 

Today was rough.

Let's just say it was one of those days I felt so insignificant - so unimportant.  I feel like a failure.  For five long hours I worked on writing a song. I poured my heart and soul into it.  I deprived myself of sleep for it.  I wrote and rewrote.  And rewrote again...because it HAD to be perfect.  There were hundreds of papers unapproved, filled with rejected words and ideas.  I became a bit of a mad woman while trying to write this song.  Now I understand why writers lock themselves in mystery rooms, and won't come out until the work is complete.

People come up to me all the time and say, "Judy, when are you coming out with something new?" I know it is somewhat a rhetorical question.  I also know it's a question that any fan would ask an artist. The question says, "Hey, I like you and your music so much, I can't wait to hear what you do next."  But, my God, it is not easy.  The songs just don't come out of thin air...wait.  Yes they do. But the air is usually full of inspiration.  The challenge is not to just write a catchy tune, but to express something in a way that has never been expressed before.  How do you set yourself apart from other songwriters?  I have thousands of songs in a book, all unsung, never recorded, never brought to life.  Why?  Simply because I don't think they are good enough. Or.  When I do have something I think is good enough, that's when someone of some position of power that says, "It's good, Judy, but not good enough."  It is very hard to not take those words personal.  Why?  Because so much of who you ARE is put into a song.  And when someone says it's not good enough, you can't help but feel you aren't good enough either.           

So I worked on this song for days, and finally on the last day I worked on it for five hours. I was so happy about it. I felt like I had written a real hit!  I went to bed exhausted but exhilarated.  And today I went to the studio to sing it to the producer and expected to record it as well.  I went there with a smile on my face.  I sang it to him, proudly...and then it happened.  Silence.

Silence after singing is a sure sign that it doesn't work.  I sang it again and again, and even I became silent.  The producer wasn't mean or harsh, but I knew the truth. If you both aren't jumping up and down...if you're not anxious to jump on tbe microphone and record it...if you have nothing to say...it simply doesn't work.  And so, we talked about what was good, what was not...we even tried to rewrite it.  I spent four hours there and left with my silly lyric sheet that will probably be burned before I go to sleep.  Back to the drawing board.

And then it happened.  I got in my car...I drove...I parked...and I cried my ass off!!!  S!%#T! Damn!
F&*%K! I couldn't move.  And it didn't help that I was listening to a freaking depressing song called MISSING by Evanescence. Yes, that's right...surprise! I love Evanesnence. BUT feeling the way I was, it was a wrong move to press repeat on that song. But at some point in our lives, aren't we all guilty of that?  Playing a song over and over again because it expresses what we cannot at the moment?  Here is an excerpt :

You won't cry for my absence, I know -

You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?


Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

...Please, please forgive me,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

I think I stayed there in the car for a good, I mean for a bad 20 minutes.  It's been a rough week.  Once again my week became about taking care of others. I DON'T regret it at all, but I think I am having my own problems right now, and need to pay more attention to them.  Sometimes I go somewhere with the idea that it will be a restful time, and it turns into Judy's Taxi Service or Judy's Office of Psychotherapy, and even sometimes Judy's bank.  Sometimes it leaves me depleted...and I guess that's how I feel  - depleted.  My friend's mother died too.  Going to my 5th wake in less than 6 months - depressing.  And of course it makes me think of my own mother...and the terror of being faced with having to go on without her.   And Mom's been okay, but not great...everytime I see her, I wonder...is she really okay, or is she just saying that?  And then I received news today warning me that a man who stalked me years ago, and made my life a living hell, was released from prison. I'm not afraid. Not at all. BUT...I cannot lie...it just put me right back to that time in my life...and it's not something I go around desiring to remember.

So, I don't know.  Perhaps the crying came out because I've tried to be so strong, while others leaned on me, but in truth, I need to lean this time.  I need a good hug.  Hugs you can get by the dozen, but let's be very honest:  very few people give the kind of hug that heals. LOL.  This is a time when I feel so profoundly alone..although I am not..that is the way it seems. And that is when I most wish I could call someone at 1 in the morning, and say, "Can you come over? I don't want to be alone..."  Once again, I am not looking for sympathy, but i figured if I wrote about it, I may stop crying.  Let me check...Nope. It's not working, lol....

So tomorrow I will begin writing the song again. Today I feel defeated but tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow I may find a better melody and find the perfect words. How I handle this song is a direct reflection for how I handle life.  So, today sucked but tomorrow will be better.  I don't know if I believe that, lol, but it's better to fake it before I make it.  I just have to look at this song as a unique challenge, and believe that the answer will be inspired...it has to be GREAT - not just because I need a new hit record, but because I care about the person I'm writing it for.        

11 comments:

  1. I like it, actually makes me think you read my journal..lol. Keep the faith, it will come to you, I and so many other of your fans believe in you. God Bless & Merry Christmas

    Trish

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  2. hang in there Judy, that song will come to you and the producers will love it and most importantly you will love it no matter what. and like junojewelers said, myself and the rest of your fans have faith in you and believe in you. i'm a listener so i would have been happy to listen to you and not leave you alone at 1 in the morning lol but don't worry chica everything will be just fine, you'll see. God is on your side and so are we. happy holidays to you and your family!

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  3. Omg Judy BE VERY VERY CAREFUL of the stalker1!! I hope you NEVER see him again BUT if you do – in a store, in the city, at the bank, at a gas station, at a club, CALL THE COPS IMMEDIATELY!!! AND PLEASE PLEASE do NOT go to the corner store ALONE AT NIGHT!!! No matter what!! Maybe carry a flashlight since it gets dark at 4pm?
    As for songwriting, take a day or 2 away from writing. Have faith in yourself. Go to your close friends and family and sing to them what you already wrote and ask for feedback.
    Love always
    Leslie Guttenplan

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  4. Dear G-d PLEASE protect Judy from this bastard

    Leslie Guttenplan

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  5. Yeah I think you're probably putting too much pressure on yourself to write this song. Take things as they come~ perhaps look through your other songs for ideas and combine them or something. And who the heck can tell what song will or will not be a hit until you put it out there?? Your loyal and dedicated fans will love ANYTHING you do. Screw the other people~ who cares. I know people who didn't like your song "Stay"...cuz it's not FREESTYLE. But it's YOU singing it~ that makes it enjoyable. People are schmucks Judy.You'll do something spectacular anyways~ you always do!!! Patience grasshoppa,patience! lol
    And yes,be careful of that stalker,although after pendeja man, I think you can handle your own!!
    If the whole writing songs thing don't work for you, maybe consider writing books.You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself and are a joy to read. Look @ what Madonna did. Just sayin LOL Take care Miss Judy~ And have a Blessed holiday season.
    *Hugz*
    ~Bub~

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  6. Ohh and I forgot to say that Missing is one of my favorite Evanescence songs! This is the song I want played at my funeral!! It makes me cry too. LOL But I'm a sap anyways. Great song~ great group! Love ya J~!!!!!!! xx

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  7. Judy, You will make that perfect song. You know u can always call me to shoot the breeze, or even to cry, even to laugh or vent. I will cry with you, i will laugh with you. put your arms around yourself and thiers a big ass hug from me. As for the stalker get yourself some mase and be careful please. HUGSSSSS BABY DOLL.

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  8. I don't even know where to begin! I agree with some of the other folks here. You're probably putting too much pressure on yourself. We're in December, it's the holidays, etc. Maybe you should get back to it on Jan.1st with a fresh feeling. I also like what LatinFreestyle said, you should write a book. This blog is a great warmup to a book. And with all your stories you share with us, everyone can get something out of it.

    As for the stalker, I agree with Leslie....just keep an eye out for him, keep yourself safe (flashlight is a good idea), keep your cell phone charged at all times and within reach. And we already know you know how to use that dirty mouth of yours. LOL.

    Everything will be fine. When I was going through rough times, I always told myself in my head that all this drama and nonsense will be worth it. So keep building yourself up inside. It works.

    We all love you here. and you can call me at anytime!
    xoxo

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  9. Hi Judy: How are you? Sorry it took a while to Spent time with the family. I already miss them. OMG!!!Florida was very cold. Judy I'm sorry your going through a tuff time. I've had writers block too and for you to finish the song and the producers not feel it, hurts. But it just means you have to change a couple of things. Go into your book of songs and take a line or two from them/mix it up. I'm sure you'll get it togehter. Your an amazing artist. The producers are just pushing your buttons cause they want better from you. SO GIVE IT TO THEM. Show them Ms. Judy Torres still got it. Get together with your back up singer maybe she can share a line or two.
    when you least expect it a line will come to you wherever you are write it down. Don't be so hard on yourself. You've had alot on your plate these last few months. As for the stalker. I pity the fool if he tries anything. But I do feel you should take percaution. Walk with cell on hand.
    99cent stores sell a little flashlight you can put on your keychain.
    Don't let yourself get overwhelmed. You may not realize it but I thinks that's part of your problem. Your thinking to much. Judy you know you can CALL ME anytime if you need to talk. My number hasn't changed. Hell, Call me maybe I can help with the lyrics. Two Gemini heads are what we are and their better then one. Wait a minute!!!!! That makes it 4 heads.!!!..,THAT COULD ALSO MEAN TROUBLE.LOLOLOLOL.. LOVE IT, LOVE YOU, LIVE FOR THE NOW GIRL.... LOLOLOL..You're strong. You'll be fine. Everything always finds a way of working it's self out. I believe in you. You inspire me. Have a great CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR.
    GOD LOVES YOU.
    YOUR FRIEND FOREVER,
    CONNIE RUIZ

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  10. oops I erased the first and second line. DAAAA It was, Sorry it took a while to write. I just got back from FLA. Then continue--- spent time with family etc, etc,

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  11. Well; How do I start this little chain? First I must say that your right in what your saying when it comes to Spending Christmas with loves ones. But under my circumstance; loseing my Mother after 42 wonderful years tells it all. as much as I wanted to spend it with Family I could only spend it alone. You sad it>>>

    "And some are sad - this is the first Christmas after the loss of a loved one ( I cannot even imagine how terribly difficult that must be) " WEll Now we all know right judy, all I say is you make sure that you tell your mother everyday you LOVE HER and always will.
    I now and then speak to her in my thoughts and prayers and I know she is listening; cause i can feel her;(..

    Your not alone Judy; I have turned to our Creator as a guidence and comfort and your know what? IT works. for some reason the Lord works in mysterious ways and count your blessings that we are still able to cope with the sadness and grief that comes along with sorrow. I now atttend Sunday Mass and feel great going to chruch on sunday; someting I failed to so for some time.

    I just got word that my aunts husband is now on his dealth bed. All I ask is that the hand of god bless him and is family at this time of need.

    I too; for a long time now have been living a lonely life, all my frinds tell me do something and get out ot it but it's hard when you have kids you care for and don't want to see them get hurt.

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